There now follows a Party Political Golf Broadcast on behalf of Paddy Power.
I’m Nigel Farage, and I love Europe. No, I really do. The wine, the food, the excellent transport systems, the clogs, and the greatest golfers in the world. The Ryder cup is upon us, and here are my reasons why you, me, everybody should get behind Team Europe. Now, watch this drive.
Reason number one? Easy. Rory McIlroy, lovely Rory. And what’s the best the USA have got to offer? Jim Furyk, the man whose swing has been described as a one armed golfer using an ax to kill a snake inside a telephone booth.
The last time the USA won here was back in 1993, when 2 Unlimited were number one. And in the words of 2 Unlimited, “There’s no, no, no, no limit to the talent of this young European team.”
The names, Hunter, Bubba, Webb. They’re not names, they’re just noises. Give me noble, heroic names any day, like Henrik, Sergio, or Justin.
There’s no Tiger Woods, he’s hurt his back. How did you do that, Tiger? Carrying the hopes and dreams of a nation on your shoulders? To quote the great lyricist and golf fanatic Justin Timberlake, “Cry me a river America,” and preferably a great European river, like the Rhine, or the Ouse.
We will fight them on the fairways. We will fight them in the bunkers. We will fight them all the way to the 18th green. This is our Ryder Cup, and we’re not going to give it away. And certainly not to some flag waving fist pumping, “Get in the hole”, shouting Americans. So, come on you lot, swing for Europe. Your continent needs you.